This was my first adventure on my own. Although I had one of my best friends with me, this was my first trip without family or my husband with me. My soon-to-be ex-husband, Cody. Hands down, this was the best, most relaxing vacation I've ever had. It was also my first trip on an airplane and it was really exciting! I got a great window seat and enjoyed the view all the way there. I felt anxious before lift-off and landing, but I felt fine otherwise. When I landed in San Francisco on Thursday (4/25), I received a text from Sean saying he had gotten off at the wrong train stop and would be late. I proceeded to the baggage claim, half-expecting my bag to be lost since I had transferred flights in Vegas. Sean arrived with a bouquet of flowers and a smile; just what I needed. He lead me on my first train rides through the city to get to his apartment in the Marina, I would never have made it there without getting lost. After leaving my bags in his apartment, we left to get some dinner at Tarantino's, one of his favorite places in Fisherman's Wharf. I had some clam chowder and a shrimp cocktail. I can't remember what he had, but I will always remember when my mind and body started to relax and soak in the area. Right at sunset. Sean had gone to talk to the bartender while I looked at the menu. When he returned, he said that I looked so calm and happy. That night, we walked around the shops and then eventually made it home to sleep.
On Friday morning, we left early so we could make it on-time for the Alcatraz tour. Sean teased me as the ferry left the dock since he noticed I didn't have my sea-legs. The Rock had so many new things to take in. Textures, smells, sounds, feelings. Like the anxiety I felt when I stepped into the solitary quarters. Or the ache I felt when looking at the small windows reserved for visitors. The texture of the decaying buildings around the island. The smell of the flower gardens being restored, mingled with the salty sea-air. The sound of a cell-door locking. Children laughing. After returning from Alcatraz, we visited the aquarium, had some lunch at Bubba Gumps, walked through an arcade museum, and even walked through a submarine. Sean was like a little boy in a candy store with both the arcade museum and the submarine. We eventually made our way to Ghiradelli Square for a raspberry-chocolate birthday cupcake, complete with a lit candle and a wish. We ate a small dinner of steak and calamari at a beautiful restaurant close-by while the sun set. That night, we talked on his couch while I played with his hair. It's always been soft and thick, I had missed running my fingers through it while we talked during high school. He eventually traded places with me and I melted while he played with my hair. I don't even know how long we did this before I started to drift off. Eventually, I felt his hands leave my head as he went to his bed to sleep. Sometime during the night, I woke with my heart beating rapidly not knowing why. I could hear Sean's even breathing on the other side of the room and immediately began to calm down.
Saturday morning came, but we stayed in until early afternoon since we had stayed up so late the night before. I loved our talks for the whole trip, but Saturday morning was the first time being completely honest with each other. The truth being that both of us had and still have deep feelings for each other. I felt like I was in a dream and that I would wake up later without any of these things being said. I've always had feelings for him, but when I could do something about it, I was a coward. I never dreamed that those feelings would be reciprocated, I just couldn't believe it. When we eventually made it outside, we went to Golden Gate Park. I had no idea how big the park was until we saw a map! We were there for close to 4 hours and only saw a portion. We visited the beautiful Japanese Tea Gardens and enjoyed some tea to warm up. It was so calm and serene there, definitely one of my favorite parts of the trip. I think I used my camera the most while we were there. We made our way to Union Square to window shop and get some dinner. I mostly remember feeling overwhelmed with how many people were walking on the side walks. So many times I would have to reach out for Sean to find him in the sea of faces; eventually our hands entwined so I wouldn't get lost. We had steak again at a place in the mall, but we found we'd forgotten we were in the mall because the food was so good. After eating, we found a jazz club down the street and enjoyed the music and dancing until we were both too sleepy to carry on.
On Sunday, we went to the zoo and it was amazing! The reptile collection was not impressive, but the cats they had were great. When I got to the Snow Leopard, I just couldn't move on. So beautiful! After the zoo we went to the beach and walked barefoot through the surf. I've always felt so humbled after visiting the ocean and this was no exception. We got massages (my first!) after the beach and then had some Italian food at a small pizza joint. After dinner, we had just enough time to get to the Golden Gate bridge lookout point for a few photos before it got dark. Even though it wasn't very late, we made it back to his apartment. He had been tired all day and I couldn't think of any other places I needed to see that were worth keeping him up.
Another long and honest conversation was had that evening. What I came away with was that even though we both care very deeply for each other, he feels that I deserve to have someone who's faith is as strong as mine, someone who loves the church as much as I do. I am a strong, beautiful, amazing person and he wishes I could see that as he does. Though I do agree that I need to see my potential, I don't think that I should rule him out. I can't ignore the feelings I've always had for him, though I know it would be unfair to both of us if we were to do anything about those feelings at this point. I owe it to myself and to whoever I end up with to go out and figure out who I am. To be ok with being alone. To be at peace with myself and my surroundings.
When we said goodbye at the airport, I couldn't stop the tears; though I made sure he couldn't see me before I let them come. I miss him, but I miss the person I was when I was there with him. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could bottle the feelings, emotions, butterflies, and sweet words that I experienced while I was there. Feelings that were familiar, but almost forgotten. Emotions that have awakened the writer in me. He has changed immensely, but for the most part he is still my Sean. This weekend, I was finally able to be in sync with him again and it was amazing. I don't know what the future will bring, but I pray that I will have a chance with him. It's a very selfish wish, but I just want a chance to be the girl he's been looking for.
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