Let go.

It's not that I don't want to be with Cody. I love him, I am in love with him, and I want to be with him. The regret that I am feeling is for not taking the chance I may have had to be with Sean. In high school, after high school, and during my separation from Cody. In my life, I have things I wish I would've done better, things I wish I would've said and done. But I can honestly say that the only regret I have at this point in my life is not sharing my feelings with Sean when I had the chance. Not appreciating how awesome and amazing he is.

It's breaking my heart that he isn't talking to me right now, but the longer it goes on, the more I realize that this is for the best. Sean is one of the best friends I've ever had (and probably will ever have), and of course I want him in my life. But the last thing I want is to hold him back. Whether that's from making new friends or finding the love of his life. I will always have these feelings for Sean, especially now that I've realized what I've been missing all this time. But the longer I go without talking to him, the pain is starting to lessen and I'm not thinking about him as much. I shouldn't have let my feelings get to this level, but I'm hopeful that they will settle back down eventually and I will be able to completely give myself to Cody again.

I read somewhere that it doesn't take sex with another person to cheat on your spouse. All it takes is keeping things from them, whether that is messages, feelings, or phone calls. Sean and I haven't done anything I would hide from Cody, but I know he would feel betrayed if he knew how many tears I've shed over Sean, how much time I've spent thinking about him, and the lingering feelings I have for him. So even though I have little control over the emotions I have, I HAVE to move towards getting over Sean so that I can be with Cody. Even if that means not talking to Sean for a long time.

I will pray for his happiness and safety, but I will also pray for the strength to let him go.

"Tell me what you want.."

As those words left your lips, it was like  a switch had sucked all the air from the room. I couldn't breathe and I had to get out. Stumbling from your bed, I clumsily made my way to your patio door. Finally getting the door unlocked, the cool sea breeze hitting my lips, I grasped the balcony wall. Inhale, exhale. It seemed hours before your footsteps found me there, shaking. Shaking from cold and from my racing heart.
"Did I say something..?"
"What do I want? I don't want to wake up but I have to! I want to stay in this dream!"
Before I can catch them, the tears are spilling over. I reflexively move to smear them away but you hold my wrists tight enough I have to meet your eyes.
"I want to go back and tell you how I feel when life wasn't so complicated. I want you, and this. It's only ever been you!"

But now, I just want to know that I haven't ruined my chance. Being selfish and clingy. Being weak and convenient. I want to know if you meant the words you said.

"Only you.."

means so much more when you understand the lyrics more personally..

I miss you..

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me that I can't explain
So would I be out of line if I said
I miss you

I see your picture
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days
but already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon
but I need you to know that I care
and I miss you..

Every time

Going through boxes, I stumbled upon a poem I had written for Cody. Not sure when I wrote it, probably around the time we were married going by the subject matter and the fact that I had put my then nickname (Fajita) on it.

I love you
I know you know that
but can you really tell someone you love them too much?
How can I just say it once
when I'm reminded every time
you look into my eyes
every time you smile
or when you touch me?
I can't express in words how happy I am
We are finally together forever.
How could anyone let this feeling die?

How indeed. I find it very interesting that I included that last line.

dream

Besides expressing pleasure in the fact that I dreamed of him, he didn't show any interest in finding out what happened in my dream. I don't want to forget it, so I wanted to get it down somewhere.

I dreamed we were back in his apartment, enjoying a lazy morning with each other. Being so close. It wasn't even a sensual dream, though we were affectionate. We were just together again and when I started to wake up, I tried desperately to hang on to the details and sensations.

I know that what's best for me is to focus on myself and healing. And when the time is right, I know that dating other people would be more wise. But I don't think I'll ever be able to get past these feelings I have for him. I can't ignore the connection we have and have always had. I know that this time of trial will be a blessing later on and I will grow immensely. I do wish, however, that there was a way for me to fast-forward to a year from now so that I can move on. I am completely blinded by my feelings, but there is no one else I would rather be with. And I have felt this way since high school. Shame on him for not expressing his feelings to me, but where was my courage? I wish I could go back and express how I felt. How different my life would have been..

on my mind..

You give your hand to me

And then you say hello

And I can hardly speak

My heart is beating so

And anyone can tell

You think you know me well

Well you don't know me

No, you don't know the one

Who dreams of you at night

And longs to kiss your lips

And longs to hold you tight

Oh I'm just a friend

That's all I've ever been

'Cause you don't know me

For I never knew

The art of making love

Though my heart aches

With love for you

Afraid and shy

I let my chance to go by

The chance that you might love me, too

You give your hand to me

And then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

Oh you'll never never know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

For I never knew

The art of making love

Though my heart aches

With love for you

Afraid and shy

I let my chance to go by

The chance that you might love me, too

You give your hand to me

And then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

Oh, you'll never ever know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

You'll never know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

more time

I gave flirting a try last night with an old co-worker.. Granted, it was on bookface chat, but still. I am a natural flirt and it was easy at first. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not even divorced yet, but I just feel like I'm stuck right now. After having a good cry before going to bed, I left with the feeling that it's definitely too soon and that I need to just focus on me and my healing right now. I need to work on my confidence, but I need to stay focused on my spirituality.

Like Sean told me, I need to realize how amazing I am, to see myself as he sees me. At the time I almost laughed at the cliche'.. but it meant the world to hear it from him. I miss him so much it hurts some days. It's more noticeable when I can't sleep at night, when I'm not distracted by work or going through the boxes of my life. I've actually found myself praying for a chance to be with him someday, when I'm better. When I'm happier. What a dream come true that would be, one I've had for over a decade.