"Tell me what you want.."

As those words left your lips, it was like  a switch had sucked all the air from the room. I couldn't breathe and I had to get out. Stumbling from your bed, I clumsily made my way to your patio door. Finally getting the door unlocked, the cool sea breeze hitting my lips, I grasped the balcony wall. Inhale, exhale. It seemed hours before your footsteps found me there, shaking. Shaking from cold and from my racing heart.
"Did I say something..?"
"What do I want? I don't want to wake up but I have to! I want to stay in this dream!"
Before I can catch them, the tears are spilling over. I reflexively move to smear them away but you hold my wrists tight enough I have to meet your eyes.
"I want to go back and tell you how I feel when life wasn't so complicated. I want you, and this. It's only ever been you!"

But now, I just want to know that I haven't ruined my chance. Being selfish and clingy. Being weak and convenient. I want to know if you meant the words you said.

"Only you.."

means so much more when you understand the lyrics more personally..

I miss you..

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me that I can't explain
So would I be out of line if I said
I miss you

I see your picture
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days
but already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon
but I need you to know that I care
and I miss you..

Every time

Going through boxes, I stumbled upon a poem I had written for Cody. Not sure when I wrote it, probably around the time we were married going by the subject matter and the fact that I had put my then nickname (Fajita) on it.

I love you
I know you know that
but can you really tell someone you love them too much?
How can I just say it once
when I'm reminded every time
you look into my eyes
every time you smile
or when you touch me?
I can't express in words how happy I am
We are finally together forever.
How could anyone let this feeling die?

How indeed. I find it very interesting that I included that last line.

dream

Besides expressing pleasure in the fact that I dreamed of him, he didn't show any interest in finding out what happened in my dream. I don't want to forget it, so I wanted to get it down somewhere.

I dreamed we were back in his apartment, enjoying a lazy morning with each other. Being so close. It wasn't even a sensual dream, though we were affectionate. We were just together again and when I started to wake up, I tried desperately to hang on to the details and sensations.

I know that what's best for me is to focus on myself and healing. And when the time is right, I know that dating other people would be more wise. But I don't think I'll ever be able to get past these feelings I have for him. I can't ignore the connection we have and have always had. I know that this time of trial will be a blessing later on and I will grow immensely. I do wish, however, that there was a way for me to fast-forward to a year from now so that I can move on. I am completely blinded by my feelings, but there is no one else I would rather be with. And I have felt this way since high school. Shame on him for not expressing his feelings to me, but where was my courage? I wish I could go back and express how I felt. How different my life would have been..

on my mind..

You give your hand to me

And then you say hello

And I can hardly speak

My heart is beating so

And anyone can tell

You think you know me well

Well you don't know me

No, you don't know the one

Who dreams of you at night

And longs to kiss your lips

And longs to hold you tight

Oh I'm just a friend

That's all I've ever been

'Cause you don't know me

For I never knew

The art of making love

Though my heart aches

With love for you

Afraid and shy

I let my chance to go by

The chance that you might love me, too

You give your hand to me

And then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

Oh you'll never never know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

For I never knew

The art of making love

Though my heart aches

With love for you

Afraid and shy

I let my chance to go by

The chance that you might love me, too

You give your hand to me

And then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

Oh, you'll never ever know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

You'll never know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

more time

I gave flirting a try last night with an old co-worker.. Granted, it was on bookface chat, but still. I am a natural flirt and it was easy at first. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not even divorced yet, but I just feel like I'm stuck right now. After having a good cry before going to bed, I left with the feeling that it's definitely too soon and that I need to just focus on me and my healing right now. I need to work on my confidence, but I need to stay focused on my spirituality.

Like Sean told me, I need to realize how amazing I am, to see myself as he sees me. At the time I almost laughed at the cliche'.. but it meant the world to hear it from him. I miss him so much it hurts some days. It's more noticeable when I can't sleep at night, when I'm not distracted by work or going through the boxes of my life. I've actually found myself praying for a chance to be with him someday, when I'm better. When I'm happier. What a dream come true that would be, one I've had for over a decade.

Fortunes

While I was in San Francisco, Sean and I stopped by an arcade museum and it was pretty fun! We got our fortunes at two booths and I wanted to post mine before I lose them...

Grandmother's Prophecies
What a joy to look ahead to read into the signs of your future. So much happiness is in store for you that the most brilliantly lighted stars will be put to shame by the brightness of your life.
Ah, this is not all caused by sheer good luck. Nay, nay my friend, your perserverance, your clever ways of handling your domestic problems and your sincerity in dealing with others are pointing the way to their reward.
Some strangers will urge you to get into a gambling proposition. Avoid this, and you will be forever grateful. "Oh, happiness what an elusive thing you are. But thank God you were born beneath its star."

The Magic Ray
You are a born leader, with a sense of justice and good memory. Firm in any conviction. Home loving, dependable and devoted to family and friend... Temperamental personality and desirous of being frank.