Let go.

It's not that I don't want to be with Cody. I love him, I am in love with him, and I want to be with him. The regret that I am feeling is for not taking the chance I may have had to be with Sean. In high school, after high school, and during my separation from Cody. In my life, I have things I wish I would've done better, things I wish I would've said and done. But I can honestly say that the only regret I have at this point in my life is not sharing my feelings with Sean when I had the chance. Not appreciating how awesome and amazing he is.

It's breaking my heart that he isn't talking to me right now, but the longer it goes on, the more I realize that this is for the best. Sean is one of the best friends I've ever had (and probably will ever have), and of course I want him in my life. But the last thing I want is to hold him back. Whether that's from making new friends or finding the love of his life. I will always have these feelings for Sean, especially now that I've realized what I've been missing all this time. But the longer I go without talking to him, the pain is starting to lessen and I'm not thinking about him as much. I shouldn't have let my feelings get to this level, but I'm hopeful that they will settle back down eventually and I will be able to completely give myself to Cody again.

I read somewhere that it doesn't take sex with another person to cheat on your spouse. All it takes is keeping things from them, whether that is messages, feelings, or phone calls. Sean and I haven't done anything I would hide from Cody, but I know he would feel betrayed if he knew how many tears I've shed over Sean, how much time I've spent thinking about him, and the lingering feelings I have for him. So even though I have little control over the emotions I have, I HAVE to move towards getting over Sean so that I can be with Cody. Even if that means not talking to Sean for a long time.

I will pray for his happiness and safety, but I will also pray for the strength to let him go.

"Tell me what you want.."

As those words left your lips, it was like  a switch had sucked all the air from the room. I couldn't breathe and I had to get out. Stumbling from your bed, I clumsily made my way to your patio door. Finally getting the door unlocked, the cool sea breeze hitting my lips, I grasped the balcony wall. Inhale, exhale. It seemed hours before your footsteps found me there, shaking. Shaking from cold and from my racing heart.
"Did I say something..?"
"What do I want? I don't want to wake up but I have to! I want to stay in this dream!"
Before I can catch them, the tears are spilling over. I reflexively move to smear them away but you hold my wrists tight enough I have to meet your eyes.
"I want to go back and tell you how I feel when life wasn't so complicated. I want you, and this. It's only ever been you!"

But now, I just want to know that I haven't ruined my chance. Being selfish and clingy. Being weak and convenient. I want to know if you meant the words you said.

"Only you.."

means so much more when you understand the lyrics more personally..

I miss you..

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me that I can't explain
So would I be out of line if I said
I miss you

I see your picture
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days
but already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon
but I need you to know that I care
and I miss you..

Every time

Going through boxes, I stumbled upon a poem I had written for Cody. Not sure when I wrote it, probably around the time we were married going by the subject matter and the fact that I had put my then nickname (Fajita) on it.

I love you
I know you know that
but can you really tell someone you love them too much?
How can I just say it once
when I'm reminded every time
you look into my eyes
every time you smile
or when you touch me?
I can't express in words how happy I am
We are finally together forever.
How could anyone let this feeling die?

How indeed. I find it very interesting that I included that last line.

dream

Besides expressing pleasure in the fact that I dreamed of him, he didn't show any interest in finding out what happened in my dream. I don't want to forget it, so I wanted to get it down somewhere.

I dreamed we were back in his apartment, enjoying a lazy morning with each other. Being so close. It wasn't even a sensual dream, though we were affectionate. We were just together again and when I started to wake up, I tried desperately to hang on to the details and sensations.

I know that what's best for me is to focus on myself and healing. And when the time is right, I know that dating other people would be more wise. But I don't think I'll ever be able to get past these feelings I have for him. I can't ignore the connection we have and have always had. I know that this time of trial will be a blessing later on and I will grow immensely. I do wish, however, that there was a way for me to fast-forward to a year from now so that I can move on. I am completely blinded by my feelings, but there is no one else I would rather be with. And I have felt this way since high school. Shame on him for not expressing his feelings to me, but where was my courage? I wish I could go back and express how I felt. How different my life would have been..

on my mind..

You give your hand to me

And then you say hello

And I can hardly speak

My heart is beating so

And anyone can tell

You think you know me well

Well you don't know me

No, you don't know the one

Who dreams of you at night

And longs to kiss your lips

And longs to hold you tight

Oh I'm just a friend

That's all I've ever been

'Cause you don't know me

For I never knew

The art of making love

Though my heart aches

With love for you

Afraid and shy

I let my chance to go by

The chance that you might love me, too

You give your hand to me

And then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

Oh you'll never never know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

For I never knew

The art of making love

Though my heart aches

With love for you

Afraid and shy

I let my chance to go by

The chance that you might love me, too

You give your hand to me

And then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

Oh, you'll never ever know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

You'll never know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

more time

I gave flirting a try last night with an old co-worker.. Granted, it was on bookface chat, but still. I am a natural flirt and it was easy at first. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not even divorced yet, but I just feel like I'm stuck right now. After having a good cry before going to bed, I left with the feeling that it's definitely too soon and that I need to just focus on me and my healing right now. I need to work on my confidence, but I need to stay focused on my spirituality.

Like Sean told me, I need to realize how amazing I am, to see myself as he sees me. At the time I almost laughed at the cliche'.. but it meant the world to hear it from him. I miss him so much it hurts some days. It's more noticeable when I can't sleep at night, when I'm not distracted by work or going through the boxes of my life. I've actually found myself praying for a chance to be with him someday, when I'm better. When I'm happier. What a dream come true that would be, one I've had for over a decade.

Fortunes

While I was in San Francisco, Sean and I stopped by an arcade museum and it was pretty fun! We got our fortunes at two booths and I wanted to post mine before I lose them...

Grandmother's Prophecies
What a joy to look ahead to read into the signs of your future. So much happiness is in store for you that the most brilliantly lighted stars will be put to shame by the brightness of your life.
Ah, this is not all caused by sheer good luck. Nay, nay my friend, your perserverance, your clever ways of handling your domestic problems and your sincerity in dealing with others are pointing the way to their reward.
Some strangers will urge you to get into a gambling proposition. Avoid this, and you will be forever grateful. "Oh, happiness what an elusive thing you are. But thank God you were born beneath its star."

The Magic Ray
You are a born leader, with a sense of justice and good memory. Firm in any conviction. Home loving, dependable and devoted to family and friend... Temperamental personality and desirous of being frank.

15 down..

I haven't eaten today, only had a little water, and I had a nice long jog this morning.. But I just weighed myself and I'm down 15 lbs since February! I'm sure those last few pounds are water weight, but still! It's so encouraging to see that I'm making progress, even if it's small. I can accomplish my goals and I am awesome! YAY!

Careless Whisper

I've been listening to this cover over and over on my jogs the last few days. Seether did an amazing job and the lyrics are just really speaking to me right now.

I feel so unsure as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor.
As the music dies...something in your eyes
Calls to mind a silver screen and all the sad goodbyes.

I'm never gonna dance again, these guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Though it's easy to pretend, I know you're not a fool.
I should've known better than to cheat a friend, and waste the chance that I'd been given.
So I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you.

Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend.
To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind.
There's no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find.

Tonight the music seems so loud, I wish that we could lose this crowd.
Maybe it's better this way, we'd hurt each other with the things we want to say.
We could've been so good together, we could've lived this dance forever.
Now who's gonna dance with me? Please stay!

wake up

Ever since Sean and I shared so much on my trip, the writer in me has been itching to come out. I'm terribly out of shape when it comes to poetry, but I thought I would give it a try.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
was it a dream?
you pinched me, but I still wonder as I lie awake in this empty bed.
my fingers entwined with yours so effortlessly.
with the simplest touch, a rollercoaster of butterflies nearly forgotten.
though hoped for, I never expected anything from you.
left behind with the flowers you bought for your "friend".
miles away, but I can still hear your voice in my head
feel your caress on my neck and the ache to my core.
I can't sleep anymore.
I need to, but I don't want to forget.

Good Advice

One of my high school friends talked to me about my separation today and it was so good to hear from her. For starters, I found out that she had been married and divorced after high school. She then gave me some great advice on moving forward with my life. One thing was that she got rid of everything that she had shared with him. I don't know if I can do that right now, or even if I can get rid of everything. But I do know, that I got a really good feeling about doing that and I know I am going to move toward it during this year. I've decided to call this the Year of Fe. The goals I have made for myself are below and I am working on them!

1. Lose 50 lbs {10 down, 40 to go!}
2. Run Half-Marathon {Thinking about downgrading to a fast 10K}
3. Zumba! {Ordered my Zumba shoes yesterday and I'm going to start going next week!}
4. Buy laptop with Windows 8 {Definitely thinking about this for school}
5. Visit Sean in San Francisco {DONE!}
6. Visit Brittni in Cedar City {Just need to pick a weekend and go!}
7. Boston/Salem, MA in the fall {not sure if I can do it this year, but I'll try!}
8. Travel more! {obviously}
9. Take more photos {already started on my trip!}
10. Get my spirituality back {Mostly there, I got my recommend back and working on developing better habits}
11. School {just need to take a math placement test, and then I can go talk to the counselor!}
12. Be alone and be ok with it!
13. Be happy with who I am and realize how amazing I am! {the goal used to be to figure out who I am, but Sean helped me realize that I am already awesome, I just need to see that for myself}

Another thing that stuck with me was when she talked about moving away from everything. I've always been such a homebody, but being in San Fran with Sean helped me realize that I would be ok if I were to move away from Utah. It would be scary and I would miss my family and friends, but I would be fine. I'm really glad that Dana decided to talk to me about this. I know that I am not the only girl going through this right now, but it's nice to be reminded every once in a while. I've been going through Sean/California withdrawals, but her talk helped me feel more energy for starting to go through my stuff in the basement. I still have a lot of work to do, but at least I got started. Besides getting rid of things that remind me of Cody, I need to live more simply.

I left my heart..

This was my first adventure on my own. Although I had one of my best friends with me, this was my first trip without family or my husband with me. My soon-to-be ex-husband, Cody. Hands down, this was the best, most relaxing vacation I've ever had. It was also my first trip on an airplane and it was really exciting! I got a great window seat and enjoyed the view all the way there. I felt anxious before lift-off and landing, but I felt fine otherwise. When I landed in San Francisco on Thursday (4/25), I received a text from Sean saying he had gotten off at the wrong train stop and would be late. I proceeded to the baggage claim, half-expecting my bag to be lost since I had transferred flights in Vegas. Sean arrived with a bouquet of flowers and a smile; just what I needed. He lead me on my first train rides through the city to get to his apartment in the Marina, I would never have made it there without getting lost. After leaving my bags in his apartment, we left to get some dinner at Tarantino's, one of his favorite places in Fisherman's Wharf. I had some clam chowder and a shrimp cocktail. I can't remember what he had, but I will always remember when my mind and body started to relax and soak in the area. Right at sunset. Sean had gone to talk to the bartender while I looked at the menu. When he returned, he said that I looked so calm and happy. That night, we walked around the shops and then eventually made it home to sleep.

On Friday morning, we left early so we could make it on-time for the Alcatraz tour. Sean teased me as the ferry left the dock since he noticed I didn't have my sea-legs. The Rock had so many new things to take in. Textures, smells, sounds, feelings. Like the anxiety I felt when I stepped into the solitary quarters. Or the ache I felt when looking at the small windows reserved for visitors. The texture of the decaying buildings around the island. The smell of the flower gardens being restored, mingled with the salty sea-air. The sound of a cell-door locking. Children laughing. After returning from Alcatraz, we visited the aquarium, had some lunch at Bubba Gumps, walked through an arcade museum, and even walked through a submarine. Sean was like a little boy in a candy store with both the arcade museum and the submarine. We eventually made our way to Ghiradelli Square for a raspberry-chocolate birthday cupcake, complete with a lit candle and a wish. We ate a small dinner of steak and calamari at a beautiful restaurant close-by while the sun set. That night, we talked on his couch while I played with his hair. It's always been soft and thick, I had missed running my fingers through it while we talked during high school. He eventually traded places with me and I melted while he played with my hair. I don't even know how long we did this before I started to drift off. Eventually, I felt his hands leave my head as he went to his bed to sleep. Sometime during the night, I woke with my heart beating rapidly not knowing why. I could hear Sean's even breathing on the other side of the room and immediately began to calm down.

Saturday morning came, but we stayed in until early afternoon since we had stayed up so late the night before. I loved our talks for the whole trip, but Saturday morning was the first time being completely honest with each other. The truth being that both of us had and still have deep feelings for each other. I felt like I was in a dream and that I would wake up later without any of these things being said. I've always had feelings for him, but when I could do something about it, I was a coward. I never dreamed that those feelings would be reciprocated, I just couldn't believe it. When we eventually made it outside, we went to Golden Gate Park. I had no idea how big the park was until we saw a map! We were there for close to 4 hours and only saw a portion. We visited the beautiful Japanese Tea Gardens and enjoyed some tea to warm up. It was so calm and serene there, definitely one of my favorite parts of the trip. I think I used my camera the most while we were there. We made our way to Union Square to window shop and get some dinner. I mostly remember feeling overwhelmed with how many people were walking on the side walks. So many times I would have to reach out for Sean to find him in the sea of faces; eventually our hands entwined so I wouldn't get lost. We had steak again at a place in the mall, but we found we'd forgotten we were in the mall because the food was so good. After eating, we found a jazz club down the street and enjoyed the music and dancing until we were both too sleepy to carry on.

On Sunday, we went to the zoo and it was amazing! The reptile collection was not impressive, but the cats they had were great. When I got to the Snow Leopard, I just couldn't move on. So beautiful! After the zoo we went to the beach and walked barefoot through the surf. I've always felt so humbled after visiting the ocean and this was no exception. We got massages (my first!) after the beach and then had some Italian food at a small pizza joint. After dinner, we had just enough time to get to the Golden Gate bridge lookout point for a few photos before it got dark. Even though it wasn't very late, we made it back to his apartment. He had been tired all day and I couldn't think of any other places I needed to see that were worth keeping him up.

Another long and honest conversation was had that evening. What I came away with was that even though we both care very deeply for each other, he feels that I deserve to have someone who's faith is as strong as mine, someone who loves the church as much as I do. I am a strong, beautiful, amazing person and he wishes I could see that as he does. Though I do agree that I need to see my potential, I don't think that I should rule him out. I can't ignore the feelings I've always had for him, though I know it would be unfair to both of us if we were to do anything about those feelings at this point. I owe it to myself and to whoever I end up with to go out and figure out who I am. To be ok with being alone. To be at peace with myself and my surroundings.

When we said goodbye at the airport, I couldn't stop the tears; though I made sure he couldn't see me before I let them come. I miss him, but I miss the person I was when I was there with him. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could bottle the feelings, emotions, butterflies, and sweet words that I experienced while I was there. Feelings that were familiar, but almost forgotten. Emotions that have awakened the writer in me. He has changed immensely, but for the most part he is still my Sean. This weekend, I was finally able to be in sync with him again and it was amazing. I don't know what the future will bring, but I pray that I will have a chance with him. It's a very selfish wish, but I just want a chance to be the girl he's been looking for.